9 weeks

Because I am inundated with the side effects of growing a human, I have nothing interesting to tell you all, except my symptoms, which I will look back on someday and say, "Oh, it wasn't all that bad!" I am telling you now, future Me: It's pretty fucking bad.

Just to lay it out, super TMI style:
-Nausea, but not just the morning kind. All the damn time kind.
-Extreme hunger. But only for strange, unattainable foods, stuff I never keep in the house.
-Round ligament pain. What's new?
-Constipation. Yay me.
-Diarrhea. My body can't make up its mind.
-Pregnancy-induced allergies. My eyes, ears, nose, throat are all itching constantly, and I have the eternal drip.
-Exhaustion. Need I say more?
-Breathlessness. Seriously, the stairs are killing me, yo.
-Inability to go back to sleep. What a bitch.

That's me. Can't eat sunny-side up eggs anymore, can't get comfortable, can't take most allergy meds.
Such is the life of pregnant me. Can't wait for the second trimester.

Also, this is nice:

Words

Dana Gioia

The world does not need words. It articulates itself

in sunlight, leaves, and shadows. The stones on the path

are no less real for lying uncatalogued and uncounted.

The fluent leaves speak only the dialect of pure being.

The kiss is still fully itself though no words were spoken.

And one word transforms it into something less or other—

illicit, chaste, perfunctory, conjugal, covert.

Even calling it a kiss betrays the fluster of hands

glancing the skin or gripping a shoulder, the slow

arching of neck or knee, the silent touching of tongues.

Yet the stones remain less real to those who cannot

name them, or read the mute syllables graven in silica.

To see a red stone is less than seeing it as jasper—

metamorphic quartz, cousin to the flint the Kiowa

carved as arrowheads. To name is to know and remember.

The sunlight needs no praise piercing the rainclouds,

painting the rocks and leaves with light, then dissolving

each lucent droplet back into the clouds that engendered it.

The daylight needs no praise, and so we praise it always—

greater than ourselves and all the airy words we summon.

Heyo, Nut.

A baby-sized southern pecan.

Today is 8 weeks. I don.t know how I feel. Tired. Not especially pregnant, just worn out. I hope all is well under the layers of skin and muscle and bone. I hope there is a strong little heartbeat that is getting more powerful every day. But you never know, right? You never know how long we are here on this plane of existence. We'll see. No sense in stressing. Just nap. Just read Dune and dream of other things. Take long walks and look out at the duck on the lake. Kiss my boy too much.

I have been having dreams that are hard to see and harder to escape. The kind that will rerun the bad bits, just to make you relive them a little longer. Snakes and deep water and things I can't change. I am trying to rewrite them, but that brings sleeplessness, which is another kind of dream world. I'll try harder.

I would write more, but I am behind. Behind on so many little things. The kind of things that if you ignore them, they will make it to tomorrow, but then tomorrow is harder. Chip away at it, Kate. Get that shit over with. It's holding you back.

More whenever.

Taking one day at a time.

This is why I named my blog what it is. I need to take one day at a time.While I understand planning ahead, I am trying NOT to do that. Here are my reasons why:

-I started bleeding. As I have had a previous unexplained miscarriage, I called up the midwife and had my blood beta levels tested and an ultrasound. I showed to be measuring 5w5d, with levels at 14,000. Normal. within 48 hrs they had almost doubled. Pretty normal. The ultrasound showed a blood clot between the placenta and the uterine wall, which could cause miscarriage, or just be absorbed. Also, pretty normal. Instead of freaking out, I got frustrated. I spent a week frustrated. I have another ultrasound tomorrow to see if we have growth and a heartbeat. If not....well, such is life. I have realized that while it hurts to consider losing another baby, life goes on.

-I am raising two kids right now. That shit is hard. Between mountains of laundry, homework, class trips, library time, making sure they meet their book reading quotas, getting them outside to exercise and play, and breaking up tiffs, I've got enough on my mind. Life goes on.

-I am married. Married life has its own balance. It requires maintenance. It needs love and touch and kisses, too. My husband is a wonderful man with needs as well, and I don't drop the ball on him. He is my lifeline, and we help each other. So what if I need new toenail polish applied pronto? I've got to go snuggle my man. Life goes on.

-I am trying to decide if I am enough of a warrior to stop letting the medical world scare me and just make a decision on having a homebirth. I have been battling the insurance companies enough, and have realized that while they will give me what they want, that isn't what I want. I am not going to go through another birth where I feel pushed around. I need to be strong and let my body do what its made to do. Life goes on.

-I am tired. I have been pushing back against technology lately. Leaving my phone places and forgetting about it. (It helps its also seriously malfunctioning.) I am getting sick of Facebook. Instagram isnt so fun anymore. I want to be a hermit and be left to my own devices...namely not tech-y ones. Weird.

-I want to remember how empowered motherhood is. I want to remember the immense strength I felt holding my newborn and knowing I could take over the world. But right now, I am worn out and in need of quiet. Naps. Pickles. Library books. Cats. Yarn. Things like that. Hibernation sounds good for a short while.

So here we are, at this point in my life. I am taking it one day at a time, quietly. Hoping for heartbeats, spring winds, more love and some peace. Life goes on.

A blueberry.

Since I am taking this pregnancy one day at a time, I will be celebrating mini achievements. Like this week: surviving week one of knowing I am pregnant, driving to  12+ hrs SLC and back, having Hubby and Son get sick and then infecting me with their head cold and having to survive that, and being super, super tired. So yay me, I survived this week! Sunday is my day to roll into the next pregnancy development week, so today, Baby Rowan is a blueberry. A tiny one. How cute. Now, if only the cuteness also came with NOT feeling like every smell is going to make me upchuck. The first trimester is such a joy.

Anyways, to make myself feel better, I read funny pregnancy things. Here are a few, for the rest of us that are incubating tiny things:

Six Stages of Pregnancy by Scary Mommy

The Only Pregnancy Calendar You Will Ever Need.-Alphamom

Everything on Pregnant Chicken

And this, because children's book do blow.-I like beer and babies.

See you all back here whenever I get the idea that my blog is missing my big ol' pregnant butt!

Our little news: Squee Nut.

We wanted to tell everyone that we are pregnant! We are due Oct. 26, 2014. While some may consider it odd to be announcing our pregnancy at 5 weeks, we have our reasons. Yes, there is a possibility that this pregnancy doesn't make it. We hope with all of our hearts that is concludes with a healthy baby. But in the chance that it doesn't, like the miscarriage we had before Leif, we would prefer to have our friends and family to be around us to support us. Our joy is your joy. Let's enjoy the excitement, shall we? You love and support mean the world to us.

Bye Bye, Milks.

I finally decided that I am done with the journey of breastfeeding my son. He has reached an age when he is simply using me as a comfort for when he hurts himself playing, or is over tired and wants some snuggle. I am just a pacifier. I am not resentful or frustrated, and I feel good about my choice. Leif is almost 2 1/2 yr old. I am proud of myself for the stamina it takes to keep going as long as I did.

"Extended" breastfeeding isn't easy. I will admit I wanted to give up several times. When Leif hit 9 months, he went through a bit where he slacked off a lot, and I almost let him. When he got teeth, it was excruciating for months as his teeth grew. There were times his sharp little finger nails on my skin felt horrible. I kept going because I knew that what I was doing was right for us. Leif is very healthy. He doesn't get colds. He doesn't get ear infections. His skin is flawless. He has never had a stomach ache. These benefits made being a mom an easier job. I considered it a fair trade, his amazing health for having to sacrifice some personal freedom while breastfeeding.

The benefits aren't just for him, too. I have managed to keep from getting pregnant again simply by breastfeeding. I wanted at least 2 years before trying again. I have significantly reduced my risk of breast, uterine, ovarian and endometrial cancer, as well as osteoporosis, cardiovascular disease and rheumatoid arthritis.

The benefits to Leif are incredible, too. On top of providing him with needed vitamins and minerals, he gets a super load of antibodies. Children who breastfeed past 2 have a lower risk of illness, as well as shorter duration of colds and lower mortality rates. Children who are breastfed longer show to have higher IQ scores, as well as be better socially adjusted and better overall mental health. According to some medical professionals, breastfed babies and toddlers are easier to discipline and have better ways of coping. The list goes on and on.

Yesterday was our first day. I expected it to be a lot harder, but it really wasn't. I have taken to telling him I have no more milk, and giving him options as an alternative. Most of the time it is an emotional need, so we give hugs, snuggles or quiet time. He is a very smart little guy, and understands when something is "all gone", and so he understands my explanation. He hasn't been tugging on me, but has accepted a cup of honey milk, or taken a long hug and some singing as acceptable alternatives.

What I was the most worried about was bed time. He would always ask for milk at bedtime, and I always obliged. Last night we did a longer rough house and book reading time, and then just went to bed. He wanted water, but then he just went to sleep! I was shocked. It was amazing. I think that if he was putting up a big fight, I would reconsider weaning at this point, but the fact that he seems completely fine makes me think I picked the perfect time.

Day Two is today, and I have my fingers crossed that by the end of the week, we can be completely past the urges! I am optimistic, thanks to my very happy little man. I got lucky!

Longing

Ooohhh. My heart hurts. It happens. It will happen, is has happened. Life goes on, and your heart embraces the hurt, over and over again, and you tremble with each new wave, letting it shake you like an aspen leaf in the wind. You listen to the sad stuff, and you dwell on your moments. You listen to the good stuff, and remember the things that make you happier, the pictures on the wall and sleepy smiles. It keeps rolling by you, life. Such a wondrous thing. Grieving is just a phase you will go through. It gets easier. It hurts now, but it will get easier. Listen to loons call out in the mist. Listen to the violins. Listen, listen, listen.

Just a thought.

Cabin

I live in a tiny little cabin at the edge of a frozen river. Sure, it's on a street with other houses, in a little town. But with the snow coming down in a foggy blanket, it feels like I just happen to be a million miles away from anyone, anywhere. With the music playing quietly in the background, fiddles going round and round, I am content with the feeling that there is nothing out there but snow. That my husband will come home to us, and a hot meal will make it to the table. That my children will sit at the table with shining faces, and the warmth of the pine logs will feels comfy.

Sometimes I wish for that cabin so far away. I wish for no communication for months on end. I miss the feeling of letters. I want the feeling that while winter has a trapped for a while, it keeps us quiet and contemplative. It makes me want to make hearty food and sing songs from my heart and feed large hairy animals. It makes me want to struggle against the elements enough to be so grateful to be alive when I fall asleep every night.

I know that I may seem a bit hermit like here, but it simply comes from a want for the simpler things. Simplicity and quiet are things that I hold very dear. The sound of drums around a fire, soft and thrumming.

Maybe soon.

Look what they've done.

Because some days are a little gloomy and you need a bit of Miley Pre-Twerk and sunshine and folk songs. Look what they've done to my brain, Ma! Look what they've done!

Some days I win, some days I lose. I don't hold it against the universe. You have to have ebb and flow. The ocean wouldn't be itself without the tide. Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a bad time. I'm just experiencing changes to my life, which sometimes are more disruptive than others. It's not something to be frustrated about, it just is.

But sometimes your song doesn't sound right, it comes out all wrong.

Maybe you just need a new song.

Going to try some new.

I took a trip, and my house got smaller.

I took a trip recently. My stepdaughter has come to stay for a while. She is 6, and I am tired. Not a bad tired, but a small-girl-is-asking-me-why-a-lot-recently, happy, adjusting to a new lifestyle tired. I have suddenly been thrust into the world of elementary school politics, after school activities, new girlfriends, schedules and lunch menus. I was looking forward to ramping up to all of this in the next few years with Leif entering part-time preschool, but nope. That's not what the Universe had in mind when mid January, 2014 came around. It said, "Kate, you don't have enough to keep you busy. You spend entirely too much time on Pinterest. Let's find you some new hobbies. Let's NOT get pregnant this month. Let's give you a challenge."

And so it did.

Here we are. My tiny house got tinier. But stepdaughter is pure joy, and I love being a mama to two. They are two little colliding universes, sometimes in unison, sometimes smashing together and creating new worlds. They are funny, smart and beautiful. They are a joy to watch, and a joy to teach. I am learning more about myself as a mother, and as a woman, in the last few days than I ever thought possible. The remind me that life is such a wonderful string of moments, and that mine is dripping with jewels and pearls. I will leave this world someday bedecked with such joy, I will glow like the sun.

I will leave this quote with you, as it is reminding me that stepping up to the challenges can be so rewarding:

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” -Paul Coelho

Three small words

My son took a while to get going with speech. I will admit, I spent some time of Google, wondering if he had a speech delay. He took his time. He listened. He studied us. He said all of 5 words at age 18 months. He had about 25 by age 2. And then he exploded. He now is extremely descriptive with colors, numbers, body parts, animals, vehicles, types of buildings, kinds of trees, etc. He has very elaborate conversations with me and my husband every morning, using facial expressions, hand gestures and lots of exclamations. In short, he is a typical 2 1/2 yr old.

There was just three small words he had yet to say...until today.

Leif has never said "I love you." For a while, it was all I could do to keep from crying when he would just stare at me when I would say, "Leif, can you say 'love you, mama'?". It would kill me when he would just turn away and go back to playing. I would sigh and say, "I love you, pal."

Dead silence.

I never stopped saying it, though. Over and over. I love you, Leif. I love you. It became a mantra. I sorta gave up that I would hear it, and stopped asking him to say it back.

Then, this morning, as I pulled him out of his back and wrapped him in his "truckit muckey towel" (chocolate monkey towel), I leaned down and kissed his wet head and said, "I love you, Leif."

"Huff you too, mama."

WHAT???

"Leif, what did you say??
"Huff you too, mama!"

"DID YOU JUST SAY LOVE YOU TOO MAMA???"

"Uh-huh, yes mama!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

My kid loves me! I couldn't believe it. I scooped him up and kissed the life out of him. He was dripping wet and squirmy, but I couldn't be happier. I was so excited I called my husband and had him listen, for proof. I had my honest-to-God answer. Leif loves me back. My heart burst with love for this small, smart, quiet little boy. He loves me.

I can die happy now. I am so loved.

Yep. It's January.

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” -J.R.R. Tolkien

It has been an interesting week for me, with people in my life. I am trying to accept that changes come in all shapes and sizes, and that sometimes, you just really want to throw someone off a building. (I'm sorry if you cam here thinking this is a nice blog. It's not, really.) Through all of this, I have been trying to keep my hair on, and try not to scream too loudly. With each new tidbit, I try to imagine a drop in a bucket, and luckily, the bucket has a small hole in the bottom. It's not going to overflow. Whew. That doesn't seem to stop the drops, though.

I would tell you all about it, but chances are, I would offend. And I just can't handle offending the internet right now. Sorry, Internet. You are so fickle. 

So here I am. My kiddo seems to have a mild stomach bug, causing him to poo more than I care to deal with. My dogs are grumpy because it is so cold here and I refuse to stand around while they cavort on a walk, crashing into shrubbery. My eyebrows are going to freeze and fall off. My house is a massive sieve, and has no real insulation, being a log cabin with crappy chinking. I have the drive to eat everything in my refrigerator, just because, and then hibernate under my down comforter till spring. (I swear, I am a bear in a woman's body.) And damn it, I bought a butt-load of whole food, which means I can cook my ass off to make a bunch of healthy food, or just eat raw veg. I'm so lazy. 

I'n better, more positive news, I am happy, healthy and my hair is growing it's 47 installment of baby fuzz since my son was born almost 2 1/2 years ago. I have a halo. 

I'm so lucky. 

I'm linking with Life of Meg over here!

Saving Money in 2014 #1

Screw a gym membership. I'll just chase this little poo around.

So, I am on a mission to save money this year. I have started off in a blaze, with a monthly savings of $46 from my phone bill, and $25 every 6 weeks just in haircuts for my husband. WOOT. I am stoked.

My first exciting moment took place when hubby came home with a pair of clippers, and told me I was going to cut his hair. Ahhhhh! I was so nervous! My husband is notoriously picky about his hair, and I was petrified of cutting him. I settled in to YouTube for a few lessons from the pro's, but then I just did it. And it turned out great! He looks fantastic! I have some things I will do differently next time to make it easier, but I saved myself drive time, tipping and the cost of a hair cut, so I'm stoked!

The second one is still a work in progress, but the first stage dropped my bill $46 per month. Wow. I am looking at switching my phone to a more basic phone, since I use my computer for correspondence more than anything, and I am also not in need of a iphone all the time, thanks to wifi. I am looking into getting a really basic phone soon, so expect more savings!

All in all, I am really excited to save more money this year. I know it sorta sounds cheesy and weird, but it feels good to use less and pay off more bills. I'm really looking forward to seeing what else I can find to reduce my overall costs this year! Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions for me!

Hello, Year 2014

I'm really looking forward to newness.

I'm looking forward to lots of things, actually. Here are a few:

Maybe I'll create a new baby. Wouldn't that be fun? They are so magical.
Maybe I'll save some money by cutting my husband's hair every 4 weeks. Haircuts are expensive!

Maybe I'll start to be artistic again. That would be wonderful. Here goes!
Maybe I'll go back to school. I have been thinking a lot about it.

Maybe I'll sleep less and read more. I think I have reached that age, when sleep is less necessary.
Maybe I spend more time outside in the sun...naked. That sounds healthy, I think.

Maybe I'll solid up some of my more voluptuous curves, the ones that make me a mama goddess. Or not. I'm not too worried. I am so creamy.
Maybe I'll wean my 2 yr old. Or maybe I'll let him do it. I haven't decided. No rush.

Maybe I'll write more, and smile more, and kiss more. Need a kiss?
Maybe I'll also commit to a few things as well.....

I will love better and more. I know that, solidly.
I will be a better mother.
I will remember that life is so short, and so beautiful. I will remember that the mayfly doesn't regret his short existence, he just simply loves and lives and dies.
I will continue to strive to be better each day, saying "Hello, Day One!" every single day.

Happy New Year, wonderful people.