Our little news: Squee Nut.

We wanted to tell everyone that we are pregnant! We are due Oct. 26, 2014. While some may consider it odd to be announcing our pregnancy at 5 weeks, we have our reasons. Yes, there is a possibility that this pregnancy doesn't make it. We hope with all of our hearts that is concludes with a healthy baby. But in the chance that it doesn't, like the miscarriage we had before Leif, we would prefer to have our friends and family to be around us to support us. Our joy is your joy. Let's enjoy the excitement, shall we? You love and support mean the world to us.

Bye Bye, Milks.

I finally decided that I am done with the journey of breastfeeding my son. He has reached an age when he is simply using me as a comfort for when he hurts himself playing, or is over tired and wants some snuggle. I am just a pacifier. I am not resentful or frustrated, and I feel good about my choice. Leif is almost 2 1/2 yr old. I am proud of myself for the stamina it takes to keep going as long as I did.

"Extended" breastfeeding isn't easy. I will admit I wanted to give up several times. When Leif hit 9 months, he went through a bit where he slacked off a lot, and I almost let him. When he got teeth, it was excruciating for months as his teeth grew. There were times his sharp little finger nails on my skin felt horrible. I kept going because I knew that what I was doing was right for us. Leif is very healthy. He doesn't get colds. He doesn't get ear infections. His skin is flawless. He has never had a stomach ache. These benefits made being a mom an easier job. I considered it a fair trade, his amazing health for having to sacrifice some personal freedom while breastfeeding.

The benefits aren't just for him, too. I have managed to keep from getting pregnant again simply by breastfeeding. I wanted at least 2 years before trying again. I have significantly reduced my risk of breast, uterine, ovarian and endometrial cancer, as well as osteoporosis, cardiovascular disease and rheumatoid arthritis.

The benefits to Leif are incredible, too. On top of providing him with needed vitamins and minerals, he gets a super load of antibodies. Children who breastfeed past 2 have a lower risk of illness, as well as shorter duration of colds and lower mortality rates. Children who are breastfed longer show to have higher IQ scores, as well as be better socially adjusted and better overall mental health. According to some medical professionals, breastfed babies and toddlers are easier to discipline and have better ways of coping. The list goes on and on.

Yesterday was our first day. I expected it to be a lot harder, but it really wasn't. I have taken to telling him I have no more milk, and giving him options as an alternative. Most of the time it is an emotional need, so we give hugs, snuggles or quiet time. He is a very smart little guy, and understands when something is "all gone", and so he understands my explanation. He hasn't been tugging on me, but has accepted a cup of honey milk, or taken a long hug and some singing as acceptable alternatives.

What I was the most worried about was bed time. He would always ask for milk at bedtime, and I always obliged. Last night we did a longer rough house and book reading time, and then just went to bed. He wanted water, but then he just went to sleep! I was shocked. It was amazing. I think that if he was putting up a big fight, I would reconsider weaning at this point, but the fact that he seems completely fine makes me think I picked the perfect time.

Day Two is today, and I have my fingers crossed that by the end of the week, we can be completely past the urges! I am optimistic, thanks to my very happy little man. I got lucky!

Longing

Ooohhh. My heart hurts. It happens. It will happen, is has happened. Life goes on, and your heart embraces the hurt, over and over again, and you tremble with each new wave, letting it shake you like an aspen leaf in the wind. You listen to the sad stuff, and you dwell on your moments. You listen to the good stuff, and remember the things that make you happier, the pictures on the wall and sleepy smiles. It keeps rolling by you, life. Such a wondrous thing. Grieving is just a phase you will go through. It gets easier. It hurts now, but it will get easier. Listen to loons call out in the mist. Listen to the violins. Listen, listen, listen.

Just a thought.

Cabin

I live in a tiny little cabin at the edge of a frozen river. Sure, it's on a street with other houses, in a little town. But with the snow coming down in a foggy blanket, it feels like I just happen to be a million miles away from anyone, anywhere. With the music playing quietly in the background, fiddles going round and round, I am content with the feeling that there is nothing out there but snow. That my husband will come home to us, and a hot meal will make it to the table. That my children will sit at the table with shining faces, and the warmth of the pine logs will feels comfy.

Sometimes I wish for that cabin so far away. I wish for no communication for months on end. I miss the feeling of letters. I want the feeling that while winter has a trapped for a while, it keeps us quiet and contemplative. It makes me want to make hearty food and sing songs from my heart and feed large hairy animals. It makes me want to struggle against the elements enough to be so grateful to be alive when I fall asleep every night.

I know that I may seem a bit hermit like here, but it simply comes from a want for the simpler things. Simplicity and quiet are things that I hold very dear. The sound of drums around a fire, soft and thrumming.

Maybe soon.

Look what they've done.

Because some days are a little gloomy and you need a bit of Miley Pre-Twerk and sunshine and folk songs. Look what they've done to my brain, Ma! Look what they've done!

Some days I win, some days I lose. I don't hold it against the universe. You have to have ebb and flow. The ocean wouldn't be itself without the tide. Don't get me wrong, I'm not having a bad time. I'm just experiencing changes to my life, which sometimes are more disruptive than others. It's not something to be frustrated about, it just is.

But sometimes your song doesn't sound right, it comes out all wrong.

Maybe you just need a new song.

Going to try some new.

I took a trip, and my house got smaller.

I took a trip recently. My stepdaughter has come to stay for a while. She is 6, and I am tired. Not a bad tired, but a small-girl-is-asking-me-why-a-lot-recently, happy, adjusting to a new lifestyle tired. I have suddenly been thrust into the world of elementary school politics, after school activities, new girlfriends, schedules and lunch menus. I was looking forward to ramping up to all of this in the next few years with Leif entering part-time preschool, but nope. That's not what the Universe had in mind when mid January, 2014 came around. It said, "Kate, you don't have enough to keep you busy. You spend entirely too much time on Pinterest. Let's find you some new hobbies. Let's NOT get pregnant this month. Let's give you a challenge."

And so it did.

Here we are. My tiny house got tinier. But stepdaughter is pure joy, and I love being a mama to two. They are two little colliding universes, sometimes in unison, sometimes smashing together and creating new worlds. They are funny, smart and beautiful. They are a joy to watch, and a joy to teach. I am learning more about myself as a mother, and as a woman, in the last few days than I ever thought possible. The remind me that life is such a wonderful string of moments, and that mine is dripping with jewels and pearls. I will leave this world someday bedecked with such joy, I will glow like the sun.

I will leave this quote with you, as it is reminding me that stepping up to the challenges can be so rewarding:

“When we least expect it, life sets us a challenge to test our courage and willingness to change; at such a moment, there is no point in pretending that nothing has happened or in saying that we are not yet ready. The challenge will not wait. Life does not look back. A week is more than enough time for us to decide whether or not to accept our destiny.” -Paul Coelho

Three small words

My son took a while to get going with speech. I will admit, I spent some time of Google, wondering if he had a speech delay. He took his time. He listened. He studied us. He said all of 5 words at age 18 months. He had about 25 by age 2. And then he exploded. He now is extremely descriptive with colors, numbers, body parts, animals, vehicles, types of buildings, kinds of trees, etc. He has very elaborate conversations with me and my husband every morning, using facial expressions, hand gestures and lots of exclamations. In short, he is a typical 2 1/2 yr old.

There was just three small words he had yet to say...until today.

Leif has never said "I love you." For a while, it was all I could do to keep from crying when he would just stare at me when I would say, "Leif, can you say 'love you, mama'?". It would kill me when he would just turn away and go back to playing. I would sigh and say, "I love you, pal."

Dead silence.

I never stopped saying it, though. Over and over. I love you, Leif. I love you. It became a mantra. I sorta gave up that I would hear it, and stopped asking him to say it back.

Then, this morning, as I pulled him out of his back and wrapped him in his "truckit muckey towel" (chocolate monkey towel), I leaned down and kissed his wet head and said, "I love you, Leif."

"Huff you too, mama."

WHAT???

"Leif, what did you say??
"Huff you too, mama!"

"DID YOU JUST SAY LOVE YOU TOO MAMA???"

"Uh-huh, yes mama!"

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

My kid loves me! I couldn't believe it. I scooped him up and kissed the life out of him. He was dripping wet and squirmy, but I couldn't be happier. I was so excited I called my husband and had him listen, for proof. I had my honest-to-God answer. Leif loves me back. My heart burst with love for this small, smart, quiet little boy. He loves me.

I can die happy now. I am so loved.

Yep. It's January.

“I don't know half of you half as well as I should like; and I like less than half of you half as well as you deserve.” -J.R.R. Tolkien

It has been an interesting week for me, with people in my life. I am trying to accept that changes come in all shapes and sizes, and that sometimes, you just really want to throw someone off a building. (I'm sorry if you cam here thinking this is a nice blog. It's not, really.) Through all of this, I have been trying to keep my hair on, and try not to scream too loudly. With each new tidbit, I try to imagine a drop in a bucket, and luckily, the bucket has a small hole in the bottom. It's not going to overflow. Whew. That doesn't seem to stop the drops, though.

I would tell you all about it, but chances are, I would offend. And I just can't handle offending the internet right now. Sorry, Internet. You are so fickle. 

So here I am. My kiddo seems to have a mild stomach bug, causing him to poo more than I care to deal with. My dogs are grumpy because it is so cold here and I refuse to stand around while they cavort on a walk, crashing into shrubbery. My eyebrows are going to freeze and fall off. My house is a massive sieve, and has no real insulation, being a log cabin with crappy chinking. I have the drive to eat everything in my refrigerator, just because, and then hibernate under my down comforter till spring. (I swear, I am a bear in a woman's body.) And damn it, I bought a butt-load of whole food, which means I can cook my ass off to make a bunch of healthy food, or just eat raw veg. I'm so lazy. 

I'n better, more positive news, I am happy, healthy and my hair is growing it's 47 installment of baby fuzz since my son was born almost 2 1/2 years ago. I have a halo. 

I'm so lucky. 

I'm linking with Life of Meg over here!

Saving Money in 2014 #1

Screw a gym membership. I'll just chase this little poo around.

So, I am on a mission to save money this year. I have started off in a blaze, with a monthly savings of $46 from my phone bill, and $25 every 6 weeks just in haircuts for my husband. WOOT. I am stoked.

My first exciting moment took place when hubby came home with a pair of clippers, and told me I was going to cut his hair. Ahhhhh! I was so nervous! My husband is notoriously picky about his hair, and I was petrified of cutting him. I settled in to YouTube for a few lessons from the pro's, but then I just did it. And it turned out great! He looks fantastic! I have some things I will do differently next time to make it easier, but I saved myself drive time, tipping and the cost of a hair cut, so I'm stoked!

The second one is still a work in progress, but the first stage dropped my bill $46 per month. Wow. I am looking at switching my phone to a more basic phone, since I use my computer for correspondence more than anything, and I am also not in need of a iphone all the time, thanks to wifi. I am looking into getting a really basic phone soon, so expect more savings!

All in all, I am really excited to save more money this year. I know it sorta sounds cheesy and weird, but it feels good to use less and pay off more bills. I'm really looking forward to seeing what else I can find to reduce my overall costs this year! Let me know if you have any thoughts or suggestions for me!

Hello, Year 2014

I'm really looking forward to newness.

I'm looking forward to lots of things, actually. Here are a few:

Maybe I'll create a new baby. Wouldn't that be fun? They are so magical.
Maybe I'll save some money by cutting my husband's hair every 4 weeks. Haircuts are expensive!

Maybe I'll start to be artistic again. That would be wonderful. Here goes!
Maybe I'll go back to school. I have been thinking a lot about it.

Maybe I'll sleep less and read more. I think I have reached that age, when sleep is less necessary.
Maybe I spend more time outside in the sun...naked. That sounds healthy, I think.

Maybe I'll solid up some of my more voluptuous curves, the ones that make me a mama goddess. Or not. I'm not too worried. I am so creamy.
Maybe I'll wean my 2 yr old. Or maybe I'll let him do it. I haven't decided. No rush.

Maybe I'll write more, and smile more, and kiss more. Need a kiss?
Maybe I'll also commit to a few things as well.....

I will love better and more. I know that, solidly.
I will be a better mother.
I will remember that life is so short, and so beautiful. I will remember that the mayfly doesn't regret his short existence, he just simply loves and lives and dies.
I will continue to strive to be better each day, saying "Hello, Day One!" every single day.

Happy New Year, wonderful people. 

Potty Wars

I am potty training my son. It is hard. He is defiant. I am tired. Trying to take this one day at a time, but by God, I'm gonna get it. Whew. Here are a few links I found helpful from some other moms who have made the journey already. Wish me luck!

The How To Mom-Potty Training

Parents Potty Training in 3 days

A Whole Grip of Resources

I'm linking up with Life of Meg today. 

Oh, God. Let it go, dear heart.

So, I got burned last week. I took care of someone's kids. This someone kept showing up late, forgetting her kids clothes and food, not calling me to let me know where she was, not filling me in on their needs. Her kids were really struggling. I was feeding them from my own fridge, dealing with their accidents by loaning them my own child's clothes. I was honestly doing all of it for selfish reasons: I wanted to make a little extra money this Christmas season so I could get my husband a present.

That didn't happen.

She owed me over $300, and she skipped out. She took her kids, told me should would be back with my money, and never returned. She never answered my calls or texts. She ran.

I was pretty angry. I asked her to call me to discuss payment options. I was trying to be understanding, in case she couldn't afford it, so that we could work something out. But I was angry. I was tired and frustrated at her lack of care of her children, and her complete disregard for my feelings and my needs as her children's caretaker. I was angry because I felt that her ability to blow me off showed her real character, and I was angry at myself for not seeing it sooner. I was so, so angry.

I got advice that I should look into small claims court. I was told to contact other local babysitters and daycares and warn them. It was suggested that I should talk to a lawyer, fight back, stick it to her.

But I'm not going to.

She's a single mom. Her kid's dad lives far away. She doesn't seem to have the first clue as to how to care for her kids properly. She feeds them crap and wonders why they have stomach and head aches. She doesn't call them to check in. She has her own life to live. I was just a moment in her life, and now I'm gone again. I can only be proud of my care of her children. I made sure they were clean and warm, well-fed with food I prepared for them with my own two hands. I made sure their aches and pains were noticed, and told them that she loved them, despite how she treated them. I gave them a week of fun and laughter and constant attention. And I wish them the best. I really, really do.

Good luck, sad runaway mama. You need that money more than I do, I suppose. Luckily, I've got a wonderful, thoughtful, caring hubby who takes backrubs in exchange for absent gifts. I've got all I need.

A Note to Parents:

I am a nanny/babysitter that has been in action for about 10 yrs. I am good at what I do. I have been handed kids without as much as a word of advice and told, "See ya in 10 hours!". I have weathered kids through fevers, broken bones and sadness. I have been underpaid, overpaid, and not paid at all. I have fallen in love with some kids, wanted to run screaming from others. It is NOT an easy job, but I do it because I do believe good, solid childcare is important, and I love that I can do it with my son as a partner/playmate because he is a great helper. But I will say one thing as a warning to parents: Don't fuck with the babysitter.

The babysitter is someone who takes your child's ups and downs in stride. Your kid poops his pants and drops a whole roll of toilet paper in the bowl, while getting poo all over the bathroom? The babysitter isn't (well, a good babysitter wouldn't) make your child feel bad for it. He or she will help your child feel better, clean them up and sanitize the bathroom. The good babysitter will hug your child when they miss you. The good babysitter will feed your child, make sure they get enough water, ensure they take their vitamins. They will make sure they are clean, happy and exercised. The good babysitter will read to them, make sure they take good naps, and give them snacks.

Essentially, a good babysitter is parenting your child while you aren't there.

So if you lie to your babysitter, it makes them feel like you don't care about how they care for your child. It makes the babysitter feel like you don't value their hard work when you tell them you forgot to bring money to pay her. If you show up two hours late with a lame excuse, you throw a wrench in the babysitter's life (because we actually do have lives, ya know!!!) and we have to reschedule special events because of your poor planning, you make us feel very, very frustrated. And because we are good babysitter, we don't take it out on your kids. We internalize it. We deal with your inconsistencies. But it's just like having a really bad boss who puts you down. It hurts. And in turn, ultimately, we will have to let you go, and your hurt the kids we care for, because they get bounced to another caretaker, which is hard on them.

So here's my advice: Treat us as a very important part of your life. We are an extension of your parenting. We need to know what your kid's needs are. We need to know their likes and dislikes. We need to know when they are sick. We need to know how they react to certain foods, animals, situations, people. We need to know that you care enough to pay us promptly and at a rate that matches our time and ability. We need to be tipped for spending time past what you promised. We need to be cared for, because our needs are important for your child's well being. If all you do is care for us because you love your child, then do that. Your love of your child is important to us, and we need to know you care.

Be the good parent we all wish for and want to support. If you need help, chances are, we will help you. But don't resort to lying, cheating and disrespecting us. Your children don't deserve it, and your baby sitter doesn't deserve it.

Sincerely,

A super exhausted, I-just-quit-my-last-family-babysitter, who needs-a-break-for-a-while-because-she-needs-to-go-cry, wishing-it-didn't-have-to-be-this-way-but-couldn't-find-another-solution nanny.



(PS- Bean Boy, I miss you. You and your parental units are the best I ever had to care for, ever.)

Why I don't tell my child about Santa

I grew up with Santa. My gifts came with tags that said, "To: Katie From: Santa", which was fine, except that my parents also had me write thank you cards to all the relatives that actually sent them. So I never really bought into the whole Santa bit. Whatever. I was a skeptical child from birth.

The whole Santa/Christmas/Jesus thing isn't really my thing either. Santa has a very interesting past, which I find fun to read about, but I don't really care for the whole Americanized version that promotes extravagant materialism. Christmas is a mashup of different beliefs that was Christianized to make it easier to convert pagans to Christianity. (Also, I'm not Christian.) Jesus never said, "Hey, everyone! Let's celebrate my birthday, but not on my actual birthday."

Some people get really fired up that I say these kinds of things. I'm not trying to be an asshole. I just don't care to make myths and stories about things that don't hold much meaning to me a big part of my life. I don't have any problem with other people celebrating them, but telling me I'm doing wrong by my child because I don't make it part of his childhood is wrong. Leif likes that we hang up bells and lights around the house because I like the way they look. I put on holiday music for him sometimes because I get nostalgic. He finds trees in other people's houses interesting. He likes gifts. (Who doesn't?) He has no idea who Santa is, but he is only two. We don't ask him to pray to Jesus. But I'm not scarring his childhood because of these choices. He just has a different childhood than other kids. And that's ok by me.

My kiddo will grow up with two loving parents, relatives and friends who care about him and send gifts, and the knowledge that there are many beliefs around the world. He will have the choice to engage in these beliefs if he chooses, and will find us as parents interested in his findings! We will always push him to explore faith, belief and religions if he chooses. We look forward to finding out what plucks at his heartstrings.

Have a great winter season, everyone. Have a wonderful time enjoying your families and friends!