Wednesday, October 22, 2014

She believed she could, so she did.

Tomorrow will be 39 weeks of being pregnant. I have been dealing with a roller coaster of emotions in the past few months, ranging from crazy extreme to "seriously, calm your tits, this is ridiculous", which in my book is a weird and broad range.

And then last week, they just stopped. Which should have caused a whole new kind of anxiety, but didn't. So here we are. Zen Kate is doing just fine, and has been pretty mellow. Sure, I still have the basic stresses that come with life, but I feel cradled in some kind of peace that I didn't have before. Who knew?

So now we wait. Leif came just a few days before his due date, and so I sorta expect that I will be having beginning labor pains any minute. I blew off my midwife appointment today because I just simply didn't feel like going. Who wants to drive 2 hrs for 15 minutes of blood pressure readings and peeing in a cup?? Not this mama. Meh. Not too worried. The midwife was trying to warn me about possible blood pressure spikes, and I told her that I simply don't get high blood pressure, that I might be the opposite altogether and have low blood pressure. I could hear her look through my chart for a second, and then agree with me. We mutually agreed that at the first sign of anything, I would call.

So today, during Leif's nap time, I will be decorating my room. I am making myself birth affirmations, which is fun. I'm also relaxing. I can feel some things building up in me, and I know that pushing them, right now, would probably get me further along, but would wear me out, so I'm using this time to rest. I can feel some flu-like symptoms in the background. I have been feeling period cramps a bit. I have a low grade headache, and a mild back ache. I am starting to leak a bit of colostrum, and my boobs hurt. Luckily, I seem to be skipping the swollen hands and feet, and I don't have raging diarrhea like some people, yay! Birth is so weird.

I DO have the urge to lean into the pain, which is new. Last time, I tried my best to avoid it, but not this time. There is something satisfying to bear down on the cramping, letting it flow over me. I sorta love it. I cant say I have had any really strong pains, but the cramps and intermittent contractions I have had have left me feeling good, which has me feeling very optimistic. A little bit of my body/mind saying, "Bring it on. I embrace it!!!"

I believed I could, so I did.

Sunday, October 19, 2014

Saying Goodbye to Scarlett

Today my husband and I did something together that taught us a lot about being a couple and standing together. We had to put down one of our flock, a sweet chicken named Scarlett. She had developed a condition that put her in lots of pain, and there was no remedy for her. She was unable to eat properly, and was lethargic. We decided that for her own peace, that it was best to end her suffering. It would have been a long, painful death of starvation to let her die without assistance. We did all we could for her medically, but had run out of care options. We chose today, a sunny fall day, because it was peaceful and quiet and without fear for her.

We chose to separate her vertebrae, which was recommended to us as the most pain-free and rapid way to humanely kill a chicken. We both held her gently, and talked to her and thanked her for her kindness. She never panicked or was scared. We very quickly performed the kill, and held her while she twitched for a few moments, and then was still. Adam did the actual neck breaking, being strong and swift, making it an instantaneous death. You could see the life there before, and then it was gone.

We both felt deep sadness, but also enormous relief. Our poor girl had suffered enough, and it was peaceful to see her leave that body that held her tied to this world. She was a very kind chicken, and we loved her. We had spent much time making sure we chose the best method to help her out of this body. We both discussed the different methods, made sure we were together on all steps, and prepared well. We made sure we were in complete agreement on all parts, and that we understood each other perfectly. We wanted to avoid botching anything, we wanted seamless and perfect harmony. We created it, and we felt that our decision was right on all sides.

We both sat together afterwards, and watched the leaves drifting off our cottonwood trees in the front yard. We talked about the fragility of life, and the finality of death. We talked about that life essence that is there, and then it's not. How you feel the tear between the body and the soul for such a brief moment, and the universe fills it in, abhorring a vacuum. The body remains, and will become other things, but the soul...who knows? Scarlett had a life essence. She had a personality. She had funny moments, and hard moments, and they made up who she was. That something is no longer here, but I, for one, cannot believe it was for nothing. I will never be able to say where it goes, but for me, I know that no matter how brief, each essence means something. I have a feeling I won't know where it goes till I go there myself, but I am content in the feeling that my essence is not nothing. We are all something.

Tuesday, October 7, 2014

Today was an asshole.

Today has been rough. Wait, hang on, today isn't even over yet! FUCK. Well, tough patooties. I'm writing about it now, because I highly doubt that I will be capable of compiling my thoughts later.

Leif is dealing with something. And by something, I mean he's not really sick, but he's not 100% either. He has always been a really healthy kid, so when he gets a curve ball, like diarrhea, he gets more emotional than anything. He becomes a little bit of a hypochondriac, and loves remedies. But he also stalls out on EVERYTHING. He puts the kibosh on naps, refuses normal food, whines constantly and basically makes my life a living hell from the moment he wakes up.

Today is one of those days. He threw a breakfast fit. He threw a potty fit. He hated the clothes I picked out. He didn't like that I wanted a shower. He tormented me with 2,347 "why?" all while I tried to clean the house. He stuck to me like a tick. He cried. I cried. We couldn't find his Oatmeal Bear, and I actually got so worked up that I hugged that damn bear half to death when he was finally located.

He has been trying to be a "big boy" and poop on the potty, which has turned into a blessing and a curse. It's awesome that he is telling me he feels poop and wants to sit on the potty....the problem is when you have the runs, you feel like that every 3 1/2 minutes all damn day. And he refuses to poop alone, because he needs someone to talk to, so I spent all morning racing up the stairs (making my pelvic condition scream for mercy) to get a boy to the potty in time...and make sure he was updated on current events. Because he asks me, "What's in the news, mama?" Somebody needs to record these moments. Today I blathered on Ebola, 4 yr olds bringing drugs to school, gay marriage bans, holiday economic forecasts, basketball drafts, the blood moon and the Nobel Prize. It was an odd mix, I can tell ya.

When nap time came, I thought, "Thank Zeus, I will finally be able to eat lunch, take a break, maybe get some painkillers in my gullet, etc." I was so wrong. Apparently, you cannot go to bed when you are sick(ish) because you will need to poop 5 times, complain about the wind, complain about your clothes, complain about the ceiling fan, dispute mama's claims that you must have lost your mind, tell mama that sleep is impossible, need water, a snack, different socks.....the list goes on. This charade went on for an hour and a half, until my (wonderful/amazing/incredible) husband came home on his lunch break to snuggle, read a book to and rock insane sickypoo to sleep while mama sobbed in a corner.

It's good that I have a very loving and intuitive husband. He knew exactly what needed to happen, which included him doing a bit of laundry, giving me a great big hug, telling me to go watch a movie, and bringing home dinner. Leif had a little nap, but it was enough to revive me, kinda. He did try to claw me to death when he woke up because he wanted cereal and I refused, (BRAT diet only for crazy poopers, in my opinion!) so I spoon fed him applesauce while I distracted him with Wild Kratts. Thank God for somewhat informative nature shows for kids. I almost never let him watch TV, but when I pull it out, you know I'm desperate.

So, here we are. Leif's had some toast and has been happily watching things about wild turkeys and spiders while I type this, I've drank copious amounts of chamomile tea, and my husband is coming home with dinner. Has today been truly awful? Yes. Have I survived? Absolutely. Should my kiddo beware pushing my buttons tomorrow? OH GOD YES. But in the end, I feel better. I know that I can make it through a day where I think I accomplished less than nothing, but still have silver linings. Hubby loves me half to death. Leif is trying to potty train on his own terms. I can let some stuff go, and do nothing but watch The Borgias on Netflix. The world will keep turning. Whew.