I am a little sad. I have finally come to the conclusion that I may have to bite the bullet and let my sweet girl have a pacifier. This was something I never did with Leif, and I had hours of comfort nursing with him every day, something I still miss. So when tiny Maggie came along, I assumed we would also have that. Little did I know nature decided against that altogether, for the time being.
I have overactive letdown. I make lots and lots of milk, in layman's terms. When Maggie goes to nurse, it comes crashing down, flooding out with force. While everyone tells me that its better than the alternative, I can't say I agree. I have to feed my baby in spurts. I can't relax. I have to watch her struggle to gulp down the milk, a panicked look on her face. I have to pull her off and let her catch her breath. I have to pinch off the flow, try nursing lying down, hold her upright so the milk goes down better. And no matter what I do, its always just too much. I have taken to block nursing, only using the left side during the day, and the right at night. It seems to be helpful, but it still doesn't make it comfortable for either of us. She gets hungry, and we buckle down for the flood.
To be fair, its not always terrible. If I get in a good reclining position, and its late in the afternoon, meaning the milk production is slower, then sometimes she will get comfortable and actually fall asleep a little. But usually she pops off wailing or gasping, and we snuggle while I work the air bubbles out of her tummy, and she sucks away at her favorite pacifier. It's the same one we got at the hospital, the green one they give all the babies. I got it when she went for her hearing test, and she was sobbing. It killed me to have to watch her like that, so I asked for one, and she latched right on.
I am sad because I miss the cuddle nursing I had with my son. I miss the time we had together where I was all he needed. It makes me feel lost to not be all she needs. She needs that pacifier. She needs to comfort suck, and I am unable to give the comfort. So I hold her and smell her sweet hair, and she soothes herself with her pacifier. I help her get through the overwhelming feeding sessions, and help her calm back down. She sleeps amazingly well, and she is a good baby. I adore every moment of her.
And I will learn to accept what I cannot change. My body wants to make lots of milk all at once. Great for dairy cows, not so great for me! So I'll hope for it to slow down soon. Maybe the block feeding will help. Maybe my body will get a clue that we only have one baby, not three, and it will slow production. Maybe, maybe, maybe. Maybe I'll learn to love the pacifier. We'll see. For now, I am in love with my baby. She is so beautiful.